A small good clam

Homeschool Academy

S5E2: A small good clam

Rich’s finger tracks along a road map, then points to an idyllic tourism image of a city in the corner of the map labled “ENDROIT MORTEL Latin for prosperity!” The map falls to show a seedy dilapidated city, with some buildings collapsed entirely. The city, and all technology in it, follows the logic of an 80’s view of what the 90’s would look like, including apparent hover-cars with broken windshields and too many pipes and wires everywhere. Rich walks up to a restaurant called “S.G.’s Mystery Meat.” A large minotaur wielding a hand grenade in a slingshot appears in the upstairs window to threaten Rich.

Dave: Get outta here! I remember you!

Rich: ...From when you gave me a management internship?

Dave: Why would I do that?

Rich: Because homeschoolers are just better than most people?

Dave: And why would you do that?

Rich: Because I’m better than most people?

Dave: Oh… Get in here!

Inside, a smaller minotaur in a hoodie and plaid argyle is leaning against a fryer, and Dave slaps her tail.

Dave: Hey Half-n-half. I’ll dry if you wash.

Matt: *sigh*

Dave: What’s up? You’re all quiet.

Matt: My counselor told me not to insult my managers.

Dave: Permission to speak freely, soldier.

Matt: Everything you say is the intellectual equivalent of puppies on fire.

Dave: So all I gotta do is set puppies on fire and you’ll think I’m intelectual, eh? Well, if it worked for that photographer, it’ll work for-

Matt: No, Dave. *sigh* Listen. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. *mock optimistic voice* Whatever you dream of doing, whatever you set your mind to, whatever you want for those you care about…

Dave: Yes!?

Matt: ...is 100 stupids pooping out stupids and eating those pooped-out stupids in an endless cycle of moron.

Dave: So you’re saying dating a coworker is just crazy enough to work.

Matt: *sprays Dave with a bleach bottle* No. No. Bad dave. Give up on your dreams. forever.

Dave: Okay, I’ll get the intern to help you. You’re obviously having your woman times. HEY BJ AND THE BEAR, GET IN HERE.

Matt: BJ? Bear?

Dave: Walked in on him singing it in the break room. Super annoying.

Matt: You? Annoyed? Super? We sing Clam Jam all the time.

Rich: Can you hand me a washcloth?

Matt: Thanks.

Rich: For what?

Matt: You’re the first coworker I didn’t have to punch within seconds of meeting. *scoff*

Rich: What now?

Matt: Just ask. You’re obviously gawking about something..

Rich: Oh. About wearing a plaid shirt over a hoodie or about wearing plaid at all? Also, Expressing distaste at a facial expression is grounds for harassment charges. I could have a facial tic, you know.

Matt: Don’t dance around it.

Rich: Sorry, I have a thing about plaid, so most of my questions are going to be pretty plaid-centric. What is it I’m dancing around exactly?

Matt: Do I have to smack you in your microscopic nose?

Rich: Geez, alright, so, uh, what prompted pinocchio complex?

Matt: Explain.

Rich: An apparent collodian need to fit in with male humans at all costs. Gender reassignment attire and nametag, shaved fur, chopped horns, gloves? Pinocchio was already a person via wish magic, but looked a gift ho- uh, may I use ungulate metaphors without getting maimed?

Matt: Hey, you can call me a Minnie all day. Just don’t gawk and we’ll get along.

Rich: Well, since you constantly either get asked or insist on it, why not print some plaid-awareness brochures for the uninitiated masses? “Plaid. Making skirts okay for men since 1552.” Or maybe “Plaid. It’s like a wearable testi”- hushing up now.

Matt: Because answering questions doesn’t make the questions stop. I know that all too well. But since you got the high score in not making an idiot of yourself around me-

Dave: Hey half-n-half, you hear about that tax break for endangered species with kids? Give you any ideas?

Matt: See what I mean? So, for not being a Dave, I’ll let you in on a secret. My name’s Matilda, and the other Matildas I’ve known in my life have ensured I- excuse me *retch* Oh, I didn’t want to taste those doritos again.

Rich: Those must have been some detestable Matildas to outdo, uh, mum’s-the-word over there.. I have the same gag reflex with Richar- *gag* ...my full name. Friday nights at Homeschool Academy are when we bring in the other students, and they always give our kind a bad name. And this… one young man gives my name a worse name than mud.

Matt: Your kind?

Rich: Humans, homeschoolers, hopeless freaks and miscreants…

Dave: ...No taxes. Plus a big tasty grant for every extra kid. Think about it.

Matt: Go. Away. Parasite.

Dave: So that’s a no on the 5 1/2 babies.

Matt kicks Dave right in the zipper without looking.

Dave: C’mon, Halves, I’m your manager. I’m here for official… work… stuff… reasons.

Matt: What is it, Dave?

Dave: Oh, uh… Boss says we need to clean the…

Matt: Sound it out. buh. Buh.

Dave: Buhhh…

Matt: Bull

Dave: Bull… Wait…

Rich: *under his breath* A proud ambassador of his dying race, ladies and gentlemen. Any way to get him to leave?

Matt: *also whispering* Only one way, but you have to promise not to be a Dave about this.

Rich: I guess I’ll take the lesser of two stupid-poops.

Matt slowly gets close to Rich and whispers.

Matt: Hey there, where ya going.

Matt, Rich singing BJ and the Bear in perfect harmony: HEY THERE WHERE YA GOIN.’ NOT EXACTLY KNOWIN.’ WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO CALL JUST ONE PLACE YOUR HOME. HE’S GOIN’ EVERYWHERE.

Dave: Don’t make me watch the show, mommy, he looks like Harry’s grandpa!

Matt, Rich: B.J. MCKAY AND HIS BEST FRIEND BEAR. HE JUST KEEPS ON MOVIN’. LADIES KEEP IMPROVIN’. EVERYDAY IS BETTER THAN THE LAST. NEW DREAMS AND BETTER SCENES…

Dave: It’s too real!

Dave runs away in tears.

Matt: ....AND BEST OF ALL I DON’T PAY PROPERTY TAX!

Matt and Rich turn to each other, satisfied, then look confused.

Matt: Did he say “It’s too real” about a show where a trucker sabotages police cars while the police are in them?

Rich: Actually, you’d be surprised how accurate the first few seasons of BJ are to real life tropes when you actually get into that kind of trouble. Also, how did we make your stalker cry just now?

Matt: Stalker?

Rich: Oh, he’s not? Really?

Matt: I never see him outside work.

Rich: Because he’s stalking you.

Matt: Just don’t.

Rich: What? You’re very stalkable.

Matt: *scoff* I’ll be working the register.

Rich: Is my foot really that far up my mouth?

End of part 1

Dancing jellybean interlude.

Part 2

Rich: Wait, sorry, what should I do now?

Matt: Get more patties.

Rich cautiously slinks away into the meat locker as Dave exits with a tub of lard. The entrance looks like the safe of a bank, and human limbs and torsos are hanging from hooks inside. He looks for a bit and starts to panic. Matt comes to the door with a still-steaming spatula.

Rich: What is this, matt?!

Matt: Aww jeez...

Rich: Nothing is organized.

Matt: Oh, you- okay.

Rich: Oh, yeah, don’t worry, the Harry Harrison reference on the store front clued me into the man-meat thing.

Matt: Well, We keep the patties in the small freezer.

Rich: Could have told me that earlier.

Rich walks to the merchandiser freezer in the corner of the meat locker and starts rummaging around.

Matt: No, the one in the kitchen.

Rich continues loudly sorting through small boxes and meat slabs, not hearing Matt.

Matt: No, the-  dude…

Matt goes in and leans against the back wall so Rich can hear her.

Matt: The one in  the kitchen. And we try to keep the freezer door closed as much as possible. Hang on…

Matt repeatedly tries to shut the stuck merchandiser door while rich slams the room’s door shut.

Rich: Could have told me that earlier.

Matt is stricken with fear.

Matt: There’s a problem with the lock. That door can only be opened from the outside.

Rich just looks disappointed and mad.

Rich: Could have told me that earlier.

“4 hours of tense silence later”

Rich and Matt are leaning against each others backs in the middle of the room.

Rich: That’s it, Dave’s not finding us anytime soon. We just have to survive until… when’s the next meat shipment?

Matt: Next week tuesday.

Rich starts gnawing on a foot that was lying on the ground.

Rich: Why can’t you people buy readymade burgers like a normal restaurant?!

Matt: Really? Think your FDA would approve any of this?

Rich: Approve what? This all looks like quality meat.

Matt: Quality human meat. We have to serve out of an embassy because these kinds of food donations are classified as a human rights violation.

Rich: Well, I’m not a shintoist or anything. For anything over 300 bucks, I’ll donate myself. It’s natural death, right?

Matt: *in disbelief* Yeah? You’re just gonna take my word that nothing shady is going on?

Rich bites his lip in eager anticipation

Rich: My trapped, frozen cadaver’s gonna make me how much, by the way?

Matt: You’re not allowed to sign anything until you’re 21. Store policy. And yes, it’s na-

Matt turns around and notices him eating a human foot.

Matt: Not- You- Wh- Really?

Rich: What? Because it’s raw? It’s fine, I used to eat monkey brain all the time during field-trip season, and I never got Creutzfeld Jacob Disease. You get that from old raw meat, right?

Matt: You mean CJD! No, that’s not how- Rich, what are the symptoms of CJD?

Rich: Dementia, paranoia, hallucinations, memory loss- Oh oot-shay, I eed-nay emon-lay uice-jay. Ey-thay ight-may e-bay oming-cay.

Matt: Hy-way are e-way alking-tay ike-lay is-thay?

Rich: Nevermind, it’s nothing, what were we talking about?

Matt: Not funny!

Rich: Oh. OH, no, don’t worry, I don’t have dementia. I just have stuff I can’t talk about unless I confuse em-thay using pig latin. E-thay Alls-way ave-hay ears.

Matt: Actually punching in 3, 2,-

Rich: I’m dead serious! Look, You’ll find out anyway, and I don’t want to look like a freak when it happens, but… nevermind, we should be safe now.

Matt: We’re IN a safe, now. I never told Dave the combination to get in here.

Rich: I’m not worried. My invisible swan-dog reflects my emotions, and a big fat I-told-you-so is coming to bust us out in a few days. And meanwhile, we’re locked in here with my favorite food and my favorite gir- ga- uh, dame- game. I was gonna say game. The game of life.

Matt: *clearly concerned* You wont make it out of here even if we do get busted out. I’ve screened our customers before, and we’ve had to throw out a lot of young meat for CJD stuff.

Rich: But… There’s no mention anywhere in my culinary health journals…

Matt: Sorry, kid. Cannibalism kills.

Some VHS static interferes, and the quality and aspect ratio reflect an old recording of an 80’s sitcom.

Rich: *turns to camera and hams up his catchphrase* Well you could have told me that earlier!

Studio audience laughs, and poor quality 80’s advert for some Monster Mercs toys begins. The Monster Rap plays throughout, with the goofy 80’s version voice actors for the characters. None of the toys have guns, being based on a bastardized saturday morning cartoon version of the Monster Mercs where Rembrandt has a hook hand and they all have the same dopey expression (even Gentileschi).

Claesz: Please don’t call me ‘clay-z’, it’s ‘closs’. Rhymes with bein’ boss.

I ain’t being lazy, you crossed me, Imma take my time, Hoss.

Got a secret formula ‘ll make your jaw drop hard.

All your secrets falling out, I hope you brought a pen, Fragonard.

Fragonard: Frag’s the name, oh, nard is too. It won’t be hard to make me like you.

It’s not personal, ‘tween you me, but they say you’re sick. Well, we’re the remedy.

Just be warned, you’re gonna get the willies when she tickles your achilles, here’s my main girl Tilly.

Gentileschi: Gentileschi’s just a name. I’m hard to shake, harder to lie to.

Rob us, slice us, just a game. And we don’t mind, just let us play too.

We’re the future being made, you’re the old brand, take my last verse Rembrandt.

Rembrandt:Whole world is my free arcade. You can take my hand, but we’re always gonna stand.

Some random DJ: Caravaggio takes the mic

Gio begins beatboxing until the ad ends

Announcer: Available at participating retailers

A skip in footage happens showing the bookends of two ads. A network announcement appears, including a clip of Homeschool Academy showing Rich as an old man launching a nuke at his hometown.

Network announcer: And now back to Beeber and the Secret of Homeschool Academy.

The channel starts flipping around, and the camera zooms out to reveal Rich and Matt watching on a portable TV in a corner in the freezer.

Matt: How are we getting such a good signal in here?

Rich: Wait, why is there a TV in the freezer at all?

Dave is heard offscreen. As he talks, they look for him and find him laying in the merchandiser.

Dave: Why are you guys watching TV on your break? You could lose track of time that way. This one time I watched HBO until dawn without realizing it.

Matt: But you don’t have cable.

Dave:Yeah. I don’t have cable. I mean, uh…

Matt: I… th… I keep the blinds shut constantly.

Rich: Hiding in your closet. Stalker. Called it.

Dave: Aww c’mon, that was one time! We can still make this baby thing wo-

Matt leaps at the fridge, shuts it, and sits on the door with Dave trapped inside.

Matt feels surprised and violated and it shows.

Matt: And you’re just okay with this?

Rich: Oh, no, there’s a very short list of things I’m okay with.

Matt: Canibalism being one of them?

Rich: Not anymore, obviously! But I’m not surprised. Not about this your stalk appeal, and not about the burgers. Everything I love isn’t okay. I mean...

Matt: Not everything, drama queen. You love to breath, right? TV? Chocolate? Sunsets and crap?

Rich looks like he’s about to answer each question, but keeps retracting awkwardly.

Dave: You’re brooding wrong. You need to do the Clint Eastwood thing.

Rich: What’s the-

Dave: Pretend you’re a block of wood with a hernia. Tough guys always win, right? Like, take me for example, suffocating in a popsicle fridge. Or Halvesies up there, too cowardly to save me from my delicious fate and lend me her wo-

Rich: Bleep!

Matt: That’s the plan, you piece of-

Rich: Bleep!

Dave: Like that guy on CNN! Sounds like you love TV after all.

Rich: No, but I understand it plenty. And I understand what deathtraps do to people, other than outlining series finale clip shows. and if you two are already spotted dick, I can’t help you. what time is it, Matt?

Matt: Why didn’t I already call for help, genious?

Rich: Because you left your com in the kitchen. Right.

Dave: *giggles* “Spotted dick”... That’s either really dirty or really british.

Matt: Not the issue, Dave! Watch. Give it.

Dave: *singsongey* Maybe I still have my com maybe I don’t. That depends...

Matt: No!

Rich: Are you honestly taking this road?.

Matt: *to Rich* If you think I’ll EVER-

Rich: I was talking to Dave. Now, Dave, do you think revealing you’ve hid in someone’s inner sanctum to watch HBO (at my most innocent assumption), and then holding her very survival hostage for unspeakable intent can possibly end well? For you, I mean.

Dave is amused and glad at what he hears.

Dave: Survival? You guys got trapped in here? Jeez, it’ll be alright, guys, we’ll just camp out for a week. And I don’t know what’s so “unspeakable” about a pizza party, jeez.

Rich: It won’t come to that, but we would die of carbon monoxide poisoning long before we freeze or suffocate.

Matt: Dave. Do you have a com?

Matt rudely sets Rich in front of Dave

Matt: Deal with this.

Matt walks away to brood.

Dave: Just an old clock watch.

Rich: Well, what time is it?

Dave: 7:35 pm

Rich: *relieved* is that all?

Dave: Wednesday.

Rich darts his gaze at Dave, then at Matt, and starts grimacing and weeping. This is silent, except when he talks, in a wet, wheezing voice.

Dave: Wait, lil dude, we’ll be fine.

Rich: I know.

Dave: So what’s corning your beef?

Rich: My best friends died today. They’re always here when I’m in a pinch like this without fail. I can’t tell you how because it sounds crazy.

Dave: Why?

Rich: I just said I can’t tell you.

Dave: Why?

Rich: I’m not in the mood to be mocked right now. I just said, it sounds crazy.

Dave: Why?

Rich: You’re the one “corning my beef”. Does that satisfy your current line of inquiry?!

*Rich hasn’t stopped shedding tears*

Dave: *Speaking impertinently* But we’ve been here all day. Who died? Was it on TV? Cause I was watching this one thing, it was pretty funny, but then-

Matt: Dave! I know you’ve never known how to back off, but learn fast, because there are things I haven’t threatened you with yet.

Dave: Well, I mean, I doubt that. The thing you talked about with the nails in my hooves was pretty hot- I mean gnarly. But you never-

Matt grabs a butcher’s knife and holds it against her own neck.

Dave: *solomnly* Uh-oh Spaghettios.

Rich: *under his breath* I love you.

Matt turns to him, confused..

Rich: I’d… love you to stop this because it’s… rude?

Dave: AWW SNIZZITY SNAP!

Rich: You both heard me? Really?

Matt pulls the big floppy ears out of her hoodie.

Matt: You also said we’re going to live. At the risk of corning beef, you might want to help us with that part.

Rich: *dissapointed* I’m just usually alive for some reason. I don’t know why, but there’s always something different saving me.

Dave: But not your friends ‘cause they died just now, right?

*Matt lowers the knife to her midsection*

Dave: Ooh, not the jellies!

Matt: Well, you’re in luck. Dave here is a walking disaster.

Rich: Well, maybe we can stall his slapstick sabotage by letting him brainstorm with us.

Matt: Not a good idea, I promise you.

Rich: Trust me. I’ve been in worse than this, and the best ideas come out of a heap of bad ones. There’s nothing he’ll say that we can’t use in some way or another.

“2 hours later”

Rich: Every single phoneme that belches from your gaping snout fills everyone within earshot with a brobdingnagian hatred proportional to their initial intelligence, which is halved upon hearing you speak!

Dave: Good, so you’ll only be half as mad then.

Matt: It’s the same every time.

Dave: Everyone always hates the fun one. But he always wins eventually. Jeez, you’re not even going with my spatula plan.

Matt: That was your best plan.

Dave: Thank you-

Matt: And it involved flipping the room we’re in with a spatula...

Dave: Yup!

Matt: That’s it, I’m cutting off a finger for that.

Matt lays her hand on the floor with her ring finger extended, preparing to chop it off.

Dave: THAT’S MY FAVORITE FINGER, DON’T YOU DARE!

Dave and matt wrestle over the butcher’s knife while Rich walks into the foreground in deep contemplation.

Rich: ...Tough guy always wins…Fun guy always wins…Season 5 of BJ and the Bear...tropes of life…

Rich turns to them dramatically. They stop for a moment mid-wrestle while he begins to talk.

Rich: Never mind, it’s stupid. Continue.

Dave quickly grabs the knife while Matt is off-guard and makes a non-lethal but alarming gouge in his own neck.

Dave: I win! Wait a minute…

Dave looks at the blood on his hands and collapses.

Rich: Are you really that easy to kill?

Matt: He faints at everything. It’s really annoying.

Rich: And he still has a job here? As a butcher?

By now, Rich shows the effects of mild hypothermia (shaking, slurring).

Matt: No he’s never fainted here.

Rich begins having a bad attitude.

Rich: But you said you never see him outside of work!

Matt: Woah, prying much? I USED to see him more outside work if that gets you off my knot.

Rich: Sorry, just… It might save our lives, which I am obligated to do under the circumstances.

Matt: Yeah, no, like, I could care less too, totally.

Rich: So you’re saying it would be possible to… Change your… did that sentence have meaning? Why do I have a crush on you again?

Matt: You said it when I was gonna decapitate myself, so you might just be a sadist.

Rich: Not since kindergarden. Ethics.

Matt: Well, can you say it out loud once so I have something to hold over Dave?

Rich: No. Morals.

Matt: Explain.

Rich: I mean, I’m pretty sure there’s some implied rule about human-ungulate mingling somewhere in Leviticus or something, but we’re also not allowed to rot-out our abdomens of horrifying diseases on purpose either.

Matt: Pause. Abdomen rot?

Rich: Oh yes, Beltz Disease. First discovered on an islet off the coast of Austriaralia in 1902, during the calm between-

Matt: Keep going. I’m sick of hearing about this.

Rich: ...the calm between the racial tension of the 19th century and The Cold Genocide of the mid 20th century. The disease was discovered when your great grandmother, Dion Asterson (small world, right?) took a liking to a Hanz Beltz of-

Matt: You’re stalking me too, great. Keep going.

Rich: Hanz Beltz of the Beltz dairy farm. What began as a series of specialty milk donations (since at this time, minotaurs were already nearing extinction), developed into a relationship that no local priest was willing to-

Matt: Quack science and bigotry, fantastic! Keep going.

Rich: ...that no local priest was willing to tie in matrimony. However, while vacationing in the aforementioned-

Matt: KEEP- Oh, right, you’re homeschooled?

Rich: I wrote it on the sheet, yes.

Matt: ‘Keep going’ as in ‘keep moving’ as in ‘move along’ as in ‘get out of here’ ‘as in ‘shut up.

Rich: I dramatically underestimated the unintuitive cesspool that is your MTV-generation dialect.

Matt: Just keep going, dude.

Rich: “Dude?” So now I’m a horse?

Matt: *sigh* Be-est thou quiet, fair maiden. That backward enough for ya?

Rich: Hey, I’m pretty sure I put “gender native” on my application, not ‘fluid.’

Matt: So you’d rather be a “dude”?

Rich: Y… No.

Matt: Can we get back to the part about your plan to save us?! Wait, I just realized I haven’t offered you an extra shirt this entire time.

Rich: It’s fine, I’m not a featherweight like Dave. Us humans are made for-

Rich collapses. He wakes up in the merchandiser, unknowingly on top of matt, and notices he’s wearing Matt’s hoodie and plaid shirt. He sees Dave propped up against the wall nearby with Matt’s t-shirt tied around his bloody neck, not moving.

Rich: Hey Dave, what day is it?

Dave doesn’t move.

Rich: Not surprising. I guess you’re the lucky one. Hey Matt, where are you?

Rich stands up, and matt moves beneath him causing him to fall off onto the floor.

Matt: Hey, blanket, can you get back in here?

Rich: *offended* I’m not a blanket, I’m a- actually, I’d love to.

Dave: *huffy* I see, as soon as ol’ Dave’s out of the picture, you move in, huh? You know what…

Dave pulls a velvet box out of his back pocket and chucks it at Rich

Rich: There’s room for one and a half minotaurs in here and you make all of us uncomfortable. This is the best course of survival right now.

Rich opens the box, which has a shiny golden communicator watch in it. He turns it on, facepalms then does a mock proposal to Matt

Rich: Matt? Will you do me the honor of killing Dave?

Matt grabs it, gets out of the merchandiser, and walks threateningly towards Dave. She is in an undershirt and boxers.

Dave: Oh, yeah, I totally had that. Haha, aren’t we a bunch of rubes.

Matt: My turn. Maybe I jam our only hope  down your throat, maybe I don’t. Depends.

Dave: Yes, a thousand times, yes!

Matt: You’ll back off ‘til I’m dead?

Dave: How will that work at the ceremony?

Rich rushes past, snags the com, and makes a call.

Rich: Bomb, genocide, president, 7-11!

Matt: Why, Rich?!

Rich: There’s no help for us but people who can bust into a safe in an embassy, and that’s the government door-busters tapping our phones.

Matt: All four illegal hotwords? Won’t that put us in a worse place than this?

Rich: I know Senator Vulnerak, so we should be able to get out of this scott free if we convince him we’re actually terrorists.

Dave: What do yeti’s smell like?

Matt: Convince him we are. Interesting. I voted for a maniac?

Rich: Well, he does want to eliminate 90% of humanity, but for all the right reasons. By the way, don’t go to his next rally.

Matt: Mom…

Rich: Don’t worry, we got-

Rich looks at the watch in shock and quickly hands the com to Matt, who quickly dials it.

Matt: Mom, where are you? No, we’re not fine, but listen, don’t go to the Vulnerak thing. No, it’s this kid, he says he knows… No, don’t go, this kid says he knows Vulnerak, wanna meet him? Yeah, it’ll be fun, just get here as soon as you can. ‘Kay, you too, bye.

Dave: It’s okay, Matt, he was talking to an imaginary friend in the break room. He’s just yankin’ us.

Matt: He’s... I just trust him.

Dave: Really? Well, don’t feel too bad about the senator poisoning your mom. She was always kinda uptight anyway.

Rich: Thank you for the sensitivity.

Dave: What am I saying...

Matt: Shut up.

Dave: He’ll probably just bomb the stadium and blame it on terrorists like the governor in Batterup. Did you guys see that movie?

Rich: In no uncertain terms stop talking.

Dave: But did you? And my yeti question still stands. Did Vulnerak indeed smell like Matt’s gunky mom.

Matt loses it and starts wailing on Dave, pulling his sweater over his face and punching him rapidly. She then pantses him and pins him face-down in the floor near the exit. Dave, now bloodied and beaten, realizes he’s frozen to the floor and starts to cry. The shape of his face shows clearly through the shirt like a sock puppet. Rich stares in anticipation.

Dave: I’m sorry, Matt, things are moving too fast. We need to take a break for a while.

Rich gleefully offers Matt a high-five, but Matt shoves it away and kneels by Dave’s face.

Matt: *obviously lying* But I was just starting to open up to you.

Dave: No way, Matt, this is the last straw. I’ll be lucky to get out of this with any of my nips left, dude, what are ya?!

Matt: Off. Limits.

Rich: Well, congratulations talking sense into him!

Matt slowly walks away and clunks her head against the wall.

Rich: Need space or is the deafening silence too much after freezing someone’s nips off?

Matt slides to the floor

Rich: Thanks for not calling me a liar.

Matt: I aw-say it.

Rich shudders and looks afraid.

Matt: Ast-lay ight-nay. Ouble-day ointed-Jay ost-ghay onsters,-may. I believe you.

Rich: Hey Brat?

Matt: Yeah, bro?

Rich: What was it you said to me when you sold your first lemonade?

Matt: I told you I’d sell you someday.

Rich: That is correct.

Rich looks regretful and pulls out a small machete he had taped to his leg. He hacks at Matt’s Neck as fast as he can.

Rich: ...Except it's the wrong person!

Matt knocks Rich across the room and pulls out the machete like nothing happened. She then, efficiently, runs backwards towards Rich as Rich throws frozen pieces of meat at her. Dave now has his sweater pulled off of his face.

Dave: What’s happening? Is her head on backwards?

Rich: They don’t get how time works here. They can’t use our eyes to see, either.

Dave trips Matt and Rich takes the opportunity to whack her a few times with the frozen head of Pastor Dan.

Rich: Thank ya, Dan. You’re like a father to me.

The door opens revealing emergency rescue personnel.

Rescue person: We got a call about an emergency?

Dave: Heard of knocking?

Dave slams the door shut with his leg as Rich continues frantically avoiding Matt, who survived with very clear signs of injury.

Rich: Dave, what, why did you do?!

Rich is now being strangled by Matt:

Dave: Authority figures never survive horror movies. Oh, and, hey Matt. I taped over your soaps!

Matt stops long enough for Rich to slip away, leaving the hoodie and plaid behind.

Rich: How did that work? Why did they care.

Matt: Coming-of-age-movie big sister characters always care more about their stupid soaps than life and death.

How is there in Matt left in Matt? Wait, “coming of age”?

Dave: You told her you had your own Falcor, right?

Rich and Matt are fencing with human legs.

Dave: She told you?!

Dave: I’m a college-comedy wingman. I have my ways. Oh, use the snozz!

Rich: I don’t have any!

Dave: Nose guy behind you!

Rich grabs the head of someone with a large pointy nose and throws it into Matt’s face.

Rescue person: Umm, knock knock?

Rich: Just a minute!

Matt pulls the nose out of her face and it knocks out Rich. She walks over slowly, grabs a butcher knife from a shelf and holds it over Rich, preparing for a deadly blow.

Dave: ?feeb ruoy ‘ninroc s’tahW

Matt rewinds all her actions. Dave begins to pull himself up painfully. The camera zooms in on his face for the final bit of pain.

Dave: CANDY LAND JUNCTION!

Dave positions himself so that the confused running Matt impales herself on his horns. Rich comes to.

Rescue person: What’s happening in there?

Rich: Okay, we’re done now.

Dave: Just one more minute.

Rich: What gives, it’s been days! If we’re up for murder, it wouldn’t be the first time for me, we’ll be fine.

Dave: In rescue movies, no one questions the victims no matter what goes down. It should take us ten minutes to hide the evidence tops.

Rich: How did you do it?

Dave just points to Matt who’s still impaled on him.

Rich: No, I mean, ey-thay can’t die unless you…

Dave starts shoving Matt’s corpse under the stuff in the merchandiser.

Dave: Sci-fi movies have some pretty dumb endings, so I talked backwards to see if I could rewind her.

Rich: Because they rely on talking and gravity to distinguish time… That’s brilliant.

Dave: They’re time travellers?

Rich: No.

Dave: They’re time shifters?

Rich: Just stick to accidental brilliance, Dave.

Rescue person: *impatiently* Done yet?

Dave: Fo shiz.

Rich: I’m assuming he means yes.

Vulnerak makes his way into the freezer and embraces Rich,

Vulnerak: How’s my favorite sociopath?!

Rich: You’re so screwed.

Vulnerak: *awkward* I, uh, postponed a rally to make sure you’re alright. So… you’re good? You’re fine?

Rich just glares.

Vulnerak: *gentle* It’s me, your old pal vulnerak, *pops back into usual aggressive voice for the rest of his title* MASTER OF GENOCIDE!

Rich: When we first met you let me live on the basis that my every emotional instinct was a danger to humanity. You vetted me at great length.

Vulnerak: *affectionately* With lots of serums and tests, son.

Dave: Dave Hokey Smokes it’s Senator Butt-Dump!

Vulnerak: Who’s your friend?

Rich: The embodiment of everything I’ve ever despised.

Dave eats his own boogers and thoughtlessly wipes his hand off on Rich’s shirt.

Vulnerak: Aww, you saved him for us to kill together.

Rich: Actually, he’s a warning. He’s alive, Vuln, so you can know there is not and will never be any correlation between my emotional state and behavior. I let him live with the same self control required to bite one’s own hand off.

Vulnerak: That’s crazy talk! What’s wrong son?

Rich: And if you’ll look in the freezer…

Dave: Don’t honk it, dude!

Rich: You’ll find the body of my favorite person. That’s me stopping murder.

Vulnerak: *now understanding him* Political differences like this… After all you’ve seen of the world’s curruption, the endangering of every sentient species on the planet, *now getting passionate* Everyone you meet in this socially inbred world is rubbing their boogers on you, The unicorn gone overnight so you humans can build a few casinos, and you can’t see why I have to thin the herd a little?! You don’t want a better world?

Rich: Emotionally, yes. Logically, yes. Ethically, yes.

Vulnerak: So…

Rich: Morally, not in the slightest.

Dave: Wait, how does- what’s the difference...

Vulnerak: You were off the charts when I vetted you! How are you all pacifist like this?

Rich: Because as much as I hated people, I hated what they did even more. I have travelled the world meeting the most detestable people, suffered every in-joke, slept through the most annoying laughter, and it has done nothing but make me a more moral person.

Dave: Just gotta add in here, he had the hots for that girl in the popsicle fridge there and didn’t even try make any moves. She was in her Jammies too, man, it’s like-

Vulnerak: I get it. Shut up. Hang on, is this a public schooler?

Rich: That doesn’t necessarily mean-

Vulnerak: Does he have a concept of other people?

Dave: Yeah. The things that don’t hurt when you punch them, right?

Everyone looks unimpressed.

Vulnerak: Normally, I’d protect an endangered species, but for you...

Vulnerak casually grabs a knife to kill Dave, but Rich steps between them with his machete. Vulnerak isn’t phased, and just points towards his henchmen who are ready with machine guns.

Rich: I killed my favorite person to protect this jerk. Wanna see what else I’m willing to lose?

Thinner Yeti henchman: Don’t bother, Vuln, you can’t get reelected without a head.

Vulnerak: I’m warning you once. Stay out of my way.

Rich: I’m warning you twice. Water down your political platform.

Vulnerak walks away, apparently defeated, and closes the door on them.

Dave: You saw that coming, right?

Rich: I Just don’t care anymore. I've been wanting to tell him off for years.

Dave: *singsongey* Because I did!

Dave pushes the door open and picks up his shoe which was blocking the door.

Rich: What’s your mindless movie trope for this one?

Dave: Black comedy, getting blocked in deathtrap multiple times fake-out trope.

Rich: What’s the fake-out here if we’re not stuck twice?

Dave: Nothing, I guess. Let’s get outta-

They both collapse and wake up in a hospital a day later in adjacent beds.

Dave: Rich, you up?

Dave throws a sandwich at him.

Rich: Yeah, don’t worry, I was already up getting hit by a sandwich.

Dave: What kind of situation is this? I’m not sure what to do right now.

Rich: Life’s not a movie, Dave, it’s a Raymond Carver. If I may interject a trope of my own-

Dave: *scoff* His name was President Hooverman.

Rich: ...What I mean is, big picture notwithstanding, life still sucks right now. Everyone we love is still dead and we just need a small good thing at a time like this.

Dave: *Pssh* Everyone YOU love is dead.

Dave suddenly gets sympathetic, lets all his medical equipment trail behind him, and squeezes Rich. Rich’s muffled sobbing is barely audible after a moment. A “we’ll be right back” message appears on the hospital TV featuring a Hanna-Barbera-style 70’s cartoon of someone accidentally sliding on a cake in front of a cheap repetitive background. The camera zooms in on this and has an aged VHS cut to a similar “now back to the show” featuring kids at a birthday party.

Excited announcer: Now back to a Small Good Thing!

Ann and Howard Wiess and a doctor are standing in front of the hospital bed of a cute Bambam-looking child. The cartoon is filled with goofy voicework, peppy music, dumb sound effects and canned laughter.

Doctor: It was a hidden Occlusion, miss Wiess, and it was a one-in-a-million circumstance. Maybe if it could have been detected somehow and surgery undertaken immediately, they could have saved him. But more than likely not. In any case, what would we have been looking for? Nothing had shown up in the tests or in the X-rays.

The phone by the bed rings and jumps around in cartoon fashion and Ann answers it. The phone grows a mouth and yells at her, blowing her hairclips off.

Gruff voice on phone: HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT SCOTTY?!

Ann: That son-of-a-gunning baker, oh if I get my hands on him, I’ll… I’ll

The camera zooms away from a portable TV screen being watched by a group of minotaur children hiding in a confession booth.

Smallest one: This is depressing.

Oldest one: Why does Scotty die?

Scruffy one: So they can eat free food.

Fat one: But why does he die, though?

Dave *speaking to them through the screen*: So he could party. What’s up, lil dinks?

Fat one: Hiding from crying old people.

Dave: Well, gee, would Matt want all these crying old people here?

All the children: No!

Dave hands them a small boombox.

Dave: What other jam would she want at her funeral involving clams?

All the children: Clam Jam!

They hit play, and all the mourners look confused as the Clam Jam commercial starts to echo through the cathedral. Rich enters. He has a prosthetic foot, is wearing a Clam Jam uniform, and carries several bags of Clam Jam goods which he distributes amongst the mourners while the rap plays. Some of the mourners are offended, but start to look with envy on those that accepted the gift of Free clammed goods. The whole scene turns into footloose with Clams. But Rich remains expressionless.

Clam Jam

Jammy the Clam: Jam on down to jam with some clams up at Clam Jam, fill up on some famous clam-baked bread.

Clams in a plate, in a pallet, in a bowl, in a clam, (say what?!) that’s what I said!

Got 99 cents? Add cheese curds fries or a lobster. (Cheese curds?!) Eat like a mobster.

Shots fired left, shots fired right. Jello shots gonna make it last all night!

Pirate Sam: Hold up, Jammy, don’t forget about me. Imma make sure kids get dessert for free.

If you want alchohol, bring a fake I.D. I just beat the system, Jammy, whacha even gonna say to me?

Jammy the Clam: No fake I.D.s. Shoot responsibly. Dessert’s only free on birthdays.

Jammy’s posse: Go Jammy, go Jammy, go!

*track repeats*

Rich: She really told you she wanted this played at her funeral?

Dave: Uh...

Rich: Interesting. You made me barge into a funeral and buy 100 dollars of fast food for what exactly?

Dave: Do I need a reason to be charitable?

Rich: And the rap?

Dave: It was assumed. Who doesn’t want Clam Jam played at their funeral.

Rich: If you weren’t completely right I’d hit you.

Dave: You love it.

Rich: The pay is lousy, the clams are bred in captivity,

Dave: You’d hawk clams for free, and you were bred in captivity.

Rich: Figurative captivity.And the difference is they promised overtime! It’s the principle of the thing.

Dave leans towards Rich with a big grin, and Rich finally warms up.

Rich: I would hawk clams for free. *whispers to himself with solemn purpose* I would hawk clams for free for the rest of my life.